Want Someone to Like You? Ask Them for a Favour.

Everything you were taught about winning people over is backwards.

You’re told to be generous, to give first, to charm. But there’s a strange, well-documented quirk in human psychology that says the quickest way to turn a cold acquaintance into a friend is to ask them to do something small for you. It’s called the Benjamin Franklin effect, and it works because of how people defend their own choices.

“We don’t help people because we like them. We like them because we helped them.”

The Rival, the Book, and a Very Smart Move

In the 1730s, Benjamin Franklin was clerk of the Pennsylvania General Assembly and had a problem. A powerful fellow legislator didn’t like him. Franklin could have flattered the man or tried to win him over with favours. Instead, he did something stranger.

He knew his rival owned a rare book, a “very scarce and curious” volume, and Franklin wrote asking if he might borrow it for a few days. The man sent it straight away. Franklin read it, returned it within about a week, and added a warm note of thanks.

The next time they met in the Assembly, the rival spoke to Franklin for the first time and treated him with notable courtesy. They stayed friends for the rest of their lives.

“Franklin didn’t win his enemy over with a gift. He won him over by letting him be the generous one.”

The Experiment That Proved It

Two centuries later, psychologists Jon Jecker and David Landy tested the idea. In 1969, they ran a study with 74 student volunteers who took part in a contest with real cash prizes. Afterwards, participants were split into three groups.

• Group A: The researcher himself approached them privately, saying he’d been funding the study out of his own pocket and was running short, and asked if they’d return their winnings as a personal favour.
• Group B: A secretary asked them to return the money on behalf of the psychology department.
• Group C: The control group, who kept their winnings.

When everyone was asked how much they liked the researcher, the results were clear. Group A, who had done a personal favour for him, liked him the most. Group B, who received an impersonal request, liked him the least.

“A personal ask builds a bond. A bureaucratic ask builds resentment.”

Why Your Brain Does This

The explanation comes from cognitive dissonance, a concept psychologist Leon Festinger introduced in 1957. It describes the mental discomfort we feel when our actions don’t match our attitudes.

Picture it. You’ve gone out of your way to help someone you’re not sure about. Your brain faces a question: “Why did I just help that person?” Admitting you did it for no reason feels uncomfortable. The easier answer is, “I must like them.”

The favour, in other words, becomes evidence of liking rather than the result of it. In 2010, UCLA researchers Johanna Jarcho, Elliot Berkman and Matthew Lieberman ran the first MRI study of cognitive dissonance in action, giving the idea a neural footprint.

“The mind hates a contradiction. If you helped someone, it will find a reason to like them.”

There’s Another Layer: Flattery

Franklin’s trick worked on a second level too. His rival took pride in his rare book collection. By asking to borrow from it, Franklin quietly praised the man’s taste and passion. It’s hard not to warm to someone who treats your expertise as valuable.

That’s why asking for a thoughtful, specific favour usually works better than asking for something random.

“A good favour request is a compliment in disguise.”

How to Use It, Without Being Manipulative

This is a tool for building real connection, not for exploiting anyone. A few rules keep it honest and effective.

1. Keep it small. The favour shouldn’t feel like a burden. Borrowing a book, asking for a recommendation, or asking for advice all work.
2. Ask directly. The research found the effect fades when a third party makes the request. Ask in person.
3. Make it relevant. Choose something that taps into the person’s strengths or interests. Franklin asked for a book from a book lover, not a pair of socks.
4. Say thank you, and mean it. Franklin returned the book promptly with a sincere note. Gratitude seals the effect.
5. Never ask for something you should pay for. If it’s real work, treat it as work.

“Ask for a favour that’s easy to give and meaningful to receive.”

When It Doesn’t Work

This isn’t magic. The effect tends to be strongest when someone was neutral or mildly negative towards you, since that’s where the mental conflict is greatest. If a request feels like exploitation, if the favour is too large, or if the person already resents you, it can backfire.

Used carelessly, it can also be weaponised. Someone who knows the trick can use it to build false closeness. The same awareness that helps you use it can help you spot it.

“The effect is a lever, not a loophole. Use it to connect, not to extract.”

FAQ

What is the Benjamin Franklin effect?
A psychological bias where people come to like you more after doing you a favour.

Who discovered it?
Franklin described it in his autobiography. Psychologists Jon Jecker and David Landy tested it in 1969.

Why does it work?
Because of cognitive dissonance: helping someone makes us justify our behaviour by deciding we like them.

Does it always work?
No. It depends on the size of the favour, how it’s asked, and the existing relationship.

Is it manipulative?
It can be if misused. Used honestly, it’s simply a way of building rapport through small acts of trust.

Suggested Reading

• Why We Keep Buying Things to Become a Different Person
• Why Your Brain Can’t Stop Thinking About Someone
• The 10-Minute Rule: Tiny Daily Habits That Can Make Your Life Feel Surprisingly Better